Dusty crystal ball’s fractured forecasts

By Pat Watson Thursday January 03 2013 in Opinion
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Pulled from beneath the dust bunnies of the collective psyche, the dusty crystal ball (DCB) offers up its fractured predictions for the year 2013 CE, also known in the lunar calendar as the Year of the Water Snake, beginning February 10.


The DCB predicts Americans’ love of a happy ending has Washington spinmeisters recasting the “fiscal cliff” doomsday scenario as a fiscal slide or fiscal bungee-jump. Real estate and consumer spending therefore remain positive, saving America and the world from economic disaster.


The DCB predicts that the current mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, does not win his appeal on a judge’s decision that would put him out of office after being found in violation of the Municipal Conflict of Interest Act. However, after a wave of “the punishment doesn’t fit the crime” calls come in from constituents, City Council votes to let him retain the post.


Despite rumours, it will be shown that those calls were not, as suspected, Ford Nation robocalls.


In a bombshell story picked up from an obscure website out of Florida, it will be reported that during vacation trips, Ford has been visiting spas where he is regularly coated with Teflon.


In Toronto, an activist group begins collecting change on street corners, at bus stops and outside subway stations with the goal of raising $7.4 billion to construct downtown subway relief lines. A mystery donor gives a million dollars to the initiative, accelerating the fundraising effort. After China gets on board, the line gets underway in record time. Watch for construction to begin later in September or October. Or just later.


Apparitions of protesting Attawapiskat Chief, Theresa Spence, will appear simultaneously across Native reserves in Canada and the U.S., the Ontario Legislature and House of Commons. A bilateral investigation follows into the possible use of hologram technology, the kind that brought an animated Tupac Shakur to a Coachella, California concert last April. It will eventually be found that no such technology is involved.


High quality coltan, a mineral that is refined into tantalum, a metal which produces conductivity in mobile phones, is discovered in parts of the Caribbean. The DCB says look for this discovery to spring the Caribbean economy into the sphere of Middle East importance. The new catch phrase will be “as wealthy as a Caribbean coltan mine owner”.


There’s more good news for the Caribbean. After the legalization of cannabis in some states and to appease Texans agitating for secession from the U.S., Washington will allow individual states to make their own foreign trade agreements. As a result, the legal export of cannabis to some states brings new prosperity to the Caribbean. Jamaican cannabis is to become as prized as Jamaican coffee. A new catch phrase becomes popular: “As lucky as a Jamaican farmer”. One spin-off from the surge in mining and agriculture is skyrocketing growth in Caribbean real estate development. Also, incarceration rates fall dramatically.


The DCB predicts declining interest in the latest “Royal Couple”, leading the federal government to let go of their ‘Reclaim Britannia’ strategy.


In 2013, commercials on television really will be presented at the same volume as the rest of television programming, leading many – especially older people – to question their hearing. There will a bump up in hearing tests and provincial health ministries will consider delisting them to save money.


After this year’s Caribana…sorry, Caribbean carnival event, a soca video on YouTube will surpass Gangnam Style’s one billion views.


The weather will continue to confound us, says the DCB. There will be colder temperatures in previously tropical places and warmer weather in previously temperate places, leading many to conclude that the epic world transformation predicted for December 21, 2012 really did happen…just not the way many expected.


On one of the coldest days of the year, the entire public transit system in Toronto will freeze up at rush hour. In the chaos, one woman will give birth at the Yonge-Bloor interchange. This entire event, so disruptive it will rival the power failure of 2003, will be commemorated for years to come.


In reaction to the National Hockey League and NHL Players Association’s stalled negotiations, a group representing Toronto and Montreal finagle temporary custodianship of the Stanley Cup. Joined by Winnipeg and Vancouver in a four-team mini tournament, Toronto finally regains the Stanley Cup. While Leafs fans milk the victory for all it’s worth, controversy ensues.


A note on New Year’s resolutions…


Something along the lines of 50 per cent of us regularly make New Year’s resolutions, less than 10 per cent of those who do keep them consistently.


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