By QUEEN MACOOMEH
Yuh really have to watch some people an shake yuh head, oui. Yuh cah laugh, yuh cah cry, yuh cah even cuss. Yuh doh know how to answer. Yuh jes have to stan up so wid yuh mout open an shake yuh head.
Hear de lyrics.
Some time aback, in Columbus, Oh He Oh Ho, a man an two of he lolless fren break een by a lady house. Dey teef she ting, went all in she bureau, ramsack she zaffairs. Dey do all dat while de lady dere, eh? Had she in a corner frighten while he an he pardners in crime make mas. Den dey run away. Up to dat point in de tory, I good. It not right, it not nice but a teef is a teef, so at lease I understan. Yuh understan?
Now, if was you who teef de lady ting, would you turn arong a few hours later an come back by de same, exack lady to akse she fuh a date? Yuh doh believe me? Dahlin, de man teef de lady ting den tack back to put question to she!
When I hear de tory ah say, NAH! I akse you. How much private lesson you have to take to come out bright so? Ent somebody had to leave you soaking in a bucket of dotish fuh years, for you to tink to yuhself dat you could get away wid dat? He feel he name Superman? Is only Superman who could save Lois Lane, go een a phone boot, put on a glasses den go back by she to put question.
De lady recognize he an get a relative to call pohlice. When las I hear, no public defender was assign to de case yet. Dey muss be still in de orfice bussin a market laugh over dis fella. I cah see me keepin my face serious when I stan up in front de magistrate to plead de case.
“Your Honour, de defendant teef she jewels yes, but was overcome by love an come back to woo she wid he half wit an personality.”
But ah have more ro-ro to tell all yuh.
On board Air India Flight #IC-844, it had a nex commess. From what I understan, a pilot on de flight, miss he penny out he dollar an touch a flight attendant in a sexial way. De flight attendant tell de purser who in turn went in de cockpit to buss two Laventile slap in de pilot. Nex ting passengers see pilot an crew in de galley in a borokeet fete. Cuff peltin, cussin an a general display of Oh Gooode!
Hear nuh, man. Real fight, eh? An is not to say dey on de grong, or even taxiing on de runway. Doux doux dahling de fight take place tirty tousand boocoo feet up in de air 4 o’clock in Gawd morning!
So see me, as a passenger, peaceful an relax, dozing awf wid meh Book of Psalms on meh lap. Den I hear a noise an see de people who I pay to fly me safe in a plane, runnin bout de self same plane trowing cuss an kick. Woman bawlin how a man had he han where Gawd put she sapodilla, a nex man defennin she sapodilla, a pilot lookin fuh de sapodilla an a co-pilot lookin to see who sapodilla get expose. Look hear, nuh. Ent dais Commess wid a capital MESS? Who flying de kiss-meh-neck plane wid me in it while deze people playin de backside?
But if all yuh feel dat was de bess. Den yuh would be more dan happy to know it have a better bess dan dat.
It have a balloon tory to beat back all balloon tory. Yuh hear bout it?
A man call police to say he chile gorn up in a balloon. Is now de bacchanal start. National Guard, pohlice, army, airport get shut dong, people driving bout like Keystone Cops craning dey neck upward to see where dis balloon is, wedda de chile fall out, where de balloon goin an lan. A man say he see someting drop out de balloon, people dash over so to check if is de chile. De sheriff call media to talk about de gravity of de sitiation. De whole internet pack up wid balloon tory. A lady say de chile get kidnap by a UFO an gorn to Mars.
Den somebody say. “Ay, all yuh check in de house?”
People gorn to check an lo an behole dey fine de lil boy hide in de attic. Now it coming out dat de whole ting was a plan an dey go charge de fadda fuh public mischief an ting.
Is me alone who fine dey should not only charge he but put he in a dress an haul he troo town singing “Up Up and Away In My Beautiful Balloon”?
De man had de whole place starin up in de sky at dis goodly balloon an all de time was a joke? How he tort it was going to en? He was going to run quick when de balloon come dong an chook de chile in it den bawl “Ah fine he!”? Or he was goin to keep de chile in de attic fuh a week den tell people de UFO bring he back? What was de plan fuh dis episode of American Next Top Jackass? What it is he teaching dat chile. Dey go have to move because Falcon (yeah dais de chile name) go be a laughin stock in school for a long time.
A teef wid short term memory lorse, a pilot who feel de Mile High Club have a beginner program an a man who blow hot air up a whole country. Ahhh, Lawd….