By QUEEN MACOOMEH
Ah know yuh going to say how I knows nutting about yuh zafairs. An is troot. But dat never stop me from talkin. In fack, de less ah know is de louder ah does talk, so ah comin troo brave.
Please Mr. an Mrs. FMC, CAG, CCC, OSA, TMBA, OCPA an all de ressa alphabet, listen to me good.
In dis age of Twitter an Facebook an MySpace an DemSpace, why we doh have a BanaSpace to encourage tourises? Why we ting doh have a livestream right troo from de Calypso Monarch show to de Island Picnic?
King and Queen Show
Yuh see dat stage all yuh have in Lamport Stadium? I watch las year how much costume pitch awf it. Please, as a favour to me an all of we who pay homage to dat competition, FIX DE BLASTED STAGE! Doh say yuh din hear, eh? Every year it comin like a surprise package fuh you? Get a good engineer to design de stage! Jes because yuh aunt-in-law have a neighbour who cousin living dong de road from a outside chile yuh fadda have, does not mean de person could make a competition stage. Is not no donkey cart crawsin de stage. Is thousand of dollars of mas!
Mr. Costume Designer. Make yuh costume sturdy fuh meh please. Yuh using spit to glue it? If two fedda drop awf, fine, we could understand dat, but las year a man nearly had all he family jewel expose to de night dew. Year before, a nex one pelt backwards, all we see is she two leg bicycling in de air. Dais level foolishness.
An Mr. Masquerader, you self! Dance yuh mas, nuh man. Some of all yuh does come troo lookin as doh yuh take two ex-lax an cah fine de latrine. Oh shims man. Smile! Dance! An when ah say dance, ah mean dance in time to de music! Spit out de ching-gum before yuh come on stage. Yes, de costume heavy, but doh make it look so. Still move light, use yuh stage. Come early an study it. See where de edge is, where de ramp on an off is, so yuh could move to suit. Doh be stannin up in de middle of de stage winnin outta time when de music stop. Check yuh time, watch de exit to see dem guiding you. Mark where de judges is an show dem yuh motion. Doh forget to turn to de cameras too, eh? Is dem camera go make you a star.
Ah have a boof fuh who in charge of media. Yuh give out media badge, nice. Have it ready fuh we on time, nuh. Give we a liss wid de names of de costumes, portrayers, band an band leader, nuh. Yuh have a separate entrance fuh we, nice. Open it nuh. Why we have to stan up outside waitin like vagrant till people fine you to fine we media pass? Put we back on de sout’ side of de judges please. Akse dem to move de VIPs over on de nort’ side or something, nuh. Is media who takin de festival an bringin it to de worl. Doh treat we slight.
Doh laugh, nuh. Ah not going to say one word about who win, when an how. All I am aksin is dat yuh start on time an have good judges, dais all. If ah only open meh mout wider, ah go make a jail.
Lemme take a minute in between to give nuff love to Mr. Salah Wilson on de major loss to he and he family in a fire. Doh mine we doh see eye to eye, compere, you is still meh people. Keep yuh chin up. All will come out right, Inshah-allah.
Parade of the Bands
Crowd Education and Control. Repeat after me. Crowd Education and Control.
People has no sense when dey in a crowd. One by one, yes, we smart, we know what not to do but when we in a crowd, de herd mentality does kick in an we does get on like a packa Muskoka mooses. If yuh have a sign sayin doh park dey, we go park dey den 50 udda cars go park nex to we. If yuh have ah sign sayin doh pass here, we go pass here wid 900 of we greazy-face frens.
What have me confuse, doh, is how we could see dem big macko music trucks an want to stop it wid we foot. I tort self preservation was a deep instink. We feel we name Pothong, de new X-Man?
BAND LEADERS DO NOT SLOW DONG WHEN YUH COME AWF DE STAGE! Oh gorme, man! All yuh big band does tie up de route an by de time de last two bands come awf de stage, is a mess by de gates. Many a time, bands never make it to Lakeshore before de overseer close dong de proceedins. Dat not fair. Dais level selfishness. Respeck yuh mas family, nuh.
Ah hear de new Festival Manager say he promise de backup eh go happen. Well Mr. Manager, I will buy you a roti if you could get dat do. Ah saying it right here in public. I will fine you where ever you is an take you by Ali Roti Shop, if you get people to MOVE from dat bottleneck. Ah does keep meh promises, eh?